|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|||||
|
|
|
||||
|
|
|
|
|
||
HOMEBOOKMARKNEWSLETTERJoin our newsletter to receive news of offers and discountsSearch
AS FEATURED IN...Lucy Siegle On Eithical Living: Sunday March 5, 2006 The Observer
Navigation 3 Wheeler Twins And Tripples
3 Wheelers
9 Months To 11 Years
9 Months To 4 Years
Baby Bags
Bath And Changing Units
Bedding
Birth To 12 Months
Birth To 4 Years
Boori
Buggies
Buggy Accessories
Buggy Boards
Cot Accessories
Cots
Cribs
Grobags Sleeping Bags
Heritage Range
Highchairs
Monitors
Moses Baskets
Nappies
Nursing Chairs
Portable Highchairs
Rocking Horses
Starter Beds
Tandems
Travel Cots
Travel Systems
Twins
Walkers
Parening Books |
Parenting Your Teenager: The Teenager and the Gorilla
Q: A parent writes in to ask, "You write a lot about the difference between controlling and managing teenagers. What's the difference........., and how do we do it in our family?" A: In the counseling and seminars that I do, I have found that many parents are confused about the difference between controlling and managing their teenagers. In my experience, there is not only a huge difference, it's "the difference that makes a difference" when it comes to successfully dealing with the teen years in a family. The control approach Taking a control approach in a family will typically breed resentment and rebellion in a teenager, and exasperation and angerthe part of the parents. While the control approach may get compliance, it also breeds an attitude of "I'll do what you say now, but I'm going to get you back someday." The managmement approach Coming from a management approach breeds respect and cooperation, as well as an attitude of "let's work together as a team." As I have said before, trying to control a teenager is like trying to put pants on a gorilla - it's only going to frustrate you and make the gorilla mad. Now in no way am I saying that teens should be allowed to do whatever they want. The difference between trying to control vs. manage a teenager is all in how you approach the situation. A management approach meets the following six criteria: 1) The parents are clearly in charge When I work with parents to take a management approach with teens, in no way am I suggesting that parents let kids do whatever they want. Quite the contrary, a key sign of a healthy and strong family is when the parents are clearly in charge. The key distinction comes down to the difference between an authoritarian style and an authoritative style on the part of the parents. An authoritarian style comes from a controlling approach, while an authoritative style comes from a management approach. A good example of an authoritarian style can be found in the movie The Great Santini. This family was ruled by the iron hand of the father, a military man, who tried to run his family like he ran his troops, complete with morning inspections. The best example I've been able to find of an authoritative style is The Huxtables of The Cosby Show. If you think back to the show or watch the re-runs, you will notice that in the Huxtable family, the parents are clearly in charge. At the same time, there is compassion and caring for all the family members. One strong indication of this is that while each child may not always get a vote, they almost always have a voice. 2) The teen, over time, learns and earns the ability to be more and more in charge of themselves Notice I said over time. This simply means that the parents give the kid enough rope, not to hang themselves, to coin a phrase, but to grow themselves. You don't hand someone who has had little or no responsibility a huge responsibility all at once. You give them a little bit, and then a little bit more, and so on and so on. 3) There is a clear map for continually building trust and responsibility In a management approach, there is no guessing on the part of parent or kid. Everyone knows how trust and responsibility are earned in the family. The rules are clear with little or no surprises. 4) The parents have a way to monitor the progress of the teen One way to do this is to simply measure trust on a scale from 1 to 10. In this way, the parents have a clear and objective way of monitoring the progress of their teenager. 5) There are clear consequences when the teen demonstrates that they cannot be in charge of themselves (just like in the real world) There is a proverb that goes something like this "raise up a child in the way they should go and when they are old they will not depart from it." What this implies is that at some point along the way, they are going to depart from it. It's simply part of the territory that kids are going to mess up. Before this happens, there needs to be a simple understanding about what will happen when the mess ups occur. 6) There is a clear map for how to earn back trust and responsibility Many parents tend to look at trust as an either or situation - either you trust them completely or not at all. Using a scale from one to ten not only gives parents a way to monitor progress, it can provide a map for how to earn trust back when it is damaged. Successfully steering a family through the teen years is one of the most difficult jobs a parent will ever face. Using the six point management approach can help parents to get their kids, and themselves, through the adolescent years with most of their sanity intact. Visit ParentingYourTeenager.com for tips and tools for thriving during the teen years. You can also subscribe to our f*r*e*e 5 day e-program on The Top 5 Things to Never Say to Your Teenager, from parenting coach and expert Jeff Herring.
MORE RESOURCES:
babies - Google News |
|
|
|
RELATED ARTICLES
Bring On The Music To Help Your Child Learn Faster And More Effectively Do you remember how you first learned the alphabet? I am quite sure that the majority of us learnt it by singing the ABC Song: 'ABCDEFG-HIJKLMNOP-QRS-TUV-WXY-and-Z.. My Children I have been a single mom for almost 20 years. My kids were 3, 7, 12 and 14 when my ex left. A Chart for Everything For every season, check, check, check, There is a chart, check, check, check, And a chart can replace some of your nagging. A chart for chores, A chart for grades. Facing the Homeschool Super Mom I know this Mom. She homeschools her 5 children, plus she tutors several other children that are dropped off at her house. My Stomach Hurts - I Cant Go to School Today! It's the third time this week that Sam has complained of a headache or Shaundra has an upset stomach. Daniel cries before leaving school and Tanya won't get out of the car upon arrival to the school parking lot. 5 Ways To Tell If A Preschooler Is Living In Your House 1. You reheated the same cup of coffee three times this morning. Life Lessons Learned in My Underwear For several years now, I've told the following story as a keynote presentation when I do speaking engagements:When our oldest son was a toddler and teething heavily, he woke up one morning at 4 screaming and crying. My wife nudged me as a reminder that it was my turn to get up with him. The Most Innovative New Approach for ADHD, a Natural Remedy What's new and effective in the treatment of Attention problems? A powerful intervention that is clinically tested with computerized testing, not merely parent reports, has been available to the public since 1997, but is little known. It is an over the counter product that contains specific Amino Acid combinations, Essential Fatty Acids, Phospholipid complexes, and Homeopathic Medicines. You Dont Need a Supernanny to Be an Active Parent The hot new reality TV show "Nanny 911" has been joined by a similar nanny-to-the-rescue show called "Supernanny." These shows depict families in which the children are extremely out of control, rebellious, spoiled or otherwise quite a handful. Understanding Why Your Child Has Been Recommended for Testing You have just received a call from your child's teacher explaining that she has noticed your child having difficulty in school.� Your child is not understanding math or reading the way the other children do. The Worlds Greatest Dad You are in the final round of your favorite game show. The category is "Fatherhood". Build Character with this Delicious Triple A Recipe! Vinegar or honey, what do kids really want? "Toys, candy, and their own way," answer millions of parents.They say you can catch more flies with a spoonful of honey than with a cupful of vinegar. Parents --- Your Childrens Report Card May Be Rigged Under the "No Child Left Behind Act," public schools whose students consistently fail standardized tests can be shut down. To protect their jobs, teachers and principals are now under intense pressure to cheat - to fudge test scores and report cards to fool parents and school administrators. Single Mother Sanity Savers Pt. 1 Being a single mother is no easy task. I know. Is Your Child Having Trouble in School? Did you know that the school system is only able to meet 50% of student learning needs?That's right! - only 50% of the student population is in an environment at school which enables them to be successful learners.The reason for this is not because of bad teachers. 10 Things You Can Do To Help A Shy Child There are a few points about shyness in children which will help you better understand the best approach in dealing with your child. You will need to identify the nature of your child's shyness. Parents Role in Helping with Car Wash Fundraisers As a parent you will be asked to assist with your children's car wash fundraiser activities. It is important that you take an active role in these endeavors. Develop Your Childs Critical Thinking Skills 1. Encourage Questions. A Legacy For Dakota Have you heard the song; "I Hope You Dance"? It is by Lee Ann Womak. I love that song. Kids, Chores & More Are you a frustrated parent who sometimes finds it is easier to take the garbage out yourself than to keep nagging your son? Do you wonder what kind of employee he will become since he doesn't always follow through at home? Is it worth the effort on your part to insist that he do his share? The answer is a resounding Yes!The lessons of life and self that we want our children to learn in our homes are not only the practical ones, such as making a bed, sewing on a button or cooking a meal. They include intangible benefits as well; it is equally important for children to learn the art of cooperation, the satisfaction of finishing a job, the ease in following a schedule and the value of sticking with a task.
|
